Day 88: Falling for Grades

I've noticed how I take what I do personally within my studies - and this has led to resisting studying. I believed it was a valid system to determine my self-worth and capabilities if I put my effort and time to do it properly - so I never did, in fear that I'd find out that I am useless. Seeing the education system as valid to determine one's worth is a very far-fetched idea given the true nature of the current education system: See this speech by Noam Chomsky and This Blog by Anna Brix for  perspective on the education system problems -and solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that studies are a way of mesuring my intellectual potiential/my capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that If I prepare for an exam and don't pass it = it means that I can't do it, that I am sunt, limited, not able to study adequately and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that exams and exam resutls define me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the lie that the school system tells who is valid and who is not through the grades that one gets in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the school system and exams are a valid way for me to determine if I am worth it and capable of studying effectively or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to 'find out' that I am not 'worth it' not 'capable of studying' and 'worthless' if it happens that I put my effort in studying and then don't get good grades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the school system as valid in assessiong self-worth and human capability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the school and education system of telling me who I am and what I am capable of doing through its evaluation system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tests and exams as they exist in the education system currently are in any way valid and capable of assessing self-value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to find out through participating in exams within the education system = that I am not capable of making it and 'limited' and 'not able to do more'- not good enough  - If I study for an exam adequately and then get bad grades.

Whenever I see that I am taking my participation within the education system personally, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the basis for the education system is not to support growth and expansion of individuals so that they may reach their utmost potential, it is to see and select the compliant and obedient individuals through imposing mindless repetitive uninteresting tasks to do and see who can get the most of it 'in' and 'parrot it out' at exams. I realize that if it happens that I study for an exam and then fail it, it doesn't mean that I am inferior, not good enough or incapable of studying, it simply means that I have to perfect the skills required to pass the exam.

Whenever I see that I resist studying for an exam, I stop and I breathe. I see/realize/understand that the exam results are not an inticative of my limitation other than my current hability to memorize and study in the format that it requires to pass the exam . I see that that getting low grades are not an indicative that I am doomed or unable to study.

I commit myself to study even at the risk of getting bad grades, within the realization that if it were to happen I would not have to take it personally because an exam does not determine who I am.

Day 87: Studying Mill

Due to not having studied and then failing at exams, I have to go to exams comprising trimester's worth of matter of many subjects. I have been offered a small three-afternoon-only job for three and I have declined it after saying yes at first, due to the time-constriction that I find myself at this point. The fear of failing the exam is big, and I see it as not worth it to risk failing an entire course. It would be best if I could manage both, but I don't know that I can do it - so best to not risk my future prospects and study as much as I can, even if I resist the idea of immersing mysef in studying intensively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in being able to discipline myself into studying every day as much as I can so that I give myself the best opportunity to pass the exams.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I 'entertain' myself in working a small job = I will fail the exams due to not having studied enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad' for not taking a work offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able to do this job and also pass the exams, and from this be disposed to risk my exams by accepting the job, instead of seeing that I have no way of knowing if I am able to do both things because I have not yet put myself to study and don't know how much time will it take for me to know the subjects effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior if I don't take the job. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give an image of 'being capable' of managing many things/being capable of doing many things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to commit myself to study - but be ready to work for someone else for money.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take myself seriosuly within my studies in self-discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying in a good rythm/pace if I have all the time of the day for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not studying effectively if all I have to do is study by myself for three weeks.

Whenever I see that I fear not being able to study effectively within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the one that determine what I do within my studies, that I am the one that have to push me to study effectively and that I can know how I am doing it by asking myself and seeing the proof within the material that I am studying and by testing myself to check if I know the stuff or not.

I commit myself to review myself every day to see how I am progressing and if I am studying effectively or I need to change something.

Whenever I see that I fear failing the exams, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is stupid to fear an exam, that I simply have to study and prepare myself so that I can pass them effectively.

Whenever I see that I want to escape having to study, I stop and I breathe, I realize that I cannot escape from me, that I will have to inevitably face the point of education wether now or in the future, and that I better do it now and stop wasting my time. I realize that if I don't do give it my all in the exams I will not come out of it in integrity - and all kinds of side effects that can be prevented will instead come back haunting me - by my own acceptance and allowance.

I commit myself to giving it my all to pass the exams. I commit myself to utilize time effectively.

I commit myself to take responsibility for the outcome of the exams, as it is determined by me and what I do and 'no one else'.

Day 86: Don't Fall for Excuses and Justifications

There has been a month or so that I have not written here, now that I look at it I see there is really no excuse not to write, because I can see the time-allocations that were many where I could have written. This is then about discipline and this includes not letting me avoid responsibilities with using excuses. 

One of the excuses was that I had to study first and then I would write afterwards - I have then manipulated myself into not doing studying or writing, wich is absolutely not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize excuses to not write the blog.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid studying and use this as an excuse to also not write the blog - without seeing that I can write my blog about why I am not studying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do my responsibilities instead of pushing myself within self-discipline to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize conditions to write a blog - instead of doing it wherever in the day it is possible for me to write.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities with the blog and studies despite seeing what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to respect myself within directing myself in doing my responsibilities of blogging and studying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that all the days that I don't write I am sabotaging myself instead of assisting myself.

Whenever I see that excuses are coming up to not write the daily blog, I stop and I breathe. I realize that not writing is self-sabotage and that I can choose this compromise or to support me.

I commit myself to write every day.

Whenever I see that I am not studying when I should do it, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have the opportunity to support myself and that deliberately not doing it is self-dishonest.

I commit myself to study every day.

Whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not doing my responsibilities within my day, I stop and I breathe. I realize that now that I am aware of my self-dishonesty I can change it and direct myself within discipline and support myself instead.

I commit myself to whenever I see that I am procrastinating/not taking responsibility for myself during my day = to change in the moment to do the task that is required.